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Post by cojoda on Nov 30, 2008 2:00:02 GMT -5
So I ran out of my normal sleeping med (no thanks to my lazy doctor who forgot to write the prescription ) so I couldn't sleep and decided to take a 1/2 dose (5mg) of my older and vastly less powerful Rx: ambien. It was just a 1/2 dose with food in my stomach (should slow absorption) and man did I hallucinate. Thing is even when I was on a full dose (10mg) and at it's highest 20mg I never hallucinated before. The worst side effect I ever was loss of balance. Anyways, as I was browsing the internet waiting for the drug to take effect I noticed all the pretty lights and colors around the living room. Then several beings entered the room. One was human and the others I'm not sure, because at that point my memory becomes a little vague. The human looking being (male) sat down on my ottoman and we started speaking telepathically (no memory of the conversation). After a few minutes we walked outside onto the back deck. All I remember is starring out at the night sky. Next thing I remember, I am standing on the grass in the backyard. Looking back I can see this light moving away from me. At the time I didn't think anything of what was happening. I do remember looking at the clock and thinking how strange it was that I had taken the ambien nearly 2 hours ago. I then went inside and I vaguely remember going to bed. It sure was one strange night.
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Post by willy42 on Nov 30, 2008 2:15:54 GMT -5
[/quote]I will put the letter inside a christmas card, together with two photos, one of my daughter, and one of my son. If my children can't melt 13 years of rock solid ice, then no one can. Thank You Izzy. [/quote] Eevee, I just wanted to say that in my experience, when any grandparents see any sign of grandchildren, it makes them beam no matter what the feelings are concerning the parents or whatnot. I don't have a very good relationship with my in-laws, but damn if they don't forget all of that when my wife and I bring the kids by... All is forgotten when the grandchildren are involved. So it may be a better thing to just show up with the kids, or not but hey it is worth a shot. I think a photo will say a million words more than any letter or conversation. My two cents... -willy 42
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Post by Eevee on Nov 30, 2008 3:06:44 GMT -5
Thanks for your input Willy, I really do appreciate it. I understand what you are saying about just showing up at my parents house with the kids, but there are a couple of things I should say about my Dad. Firstly, he has psychopathic tendencies, he has done some really terrible things, and seemingly showed no remorse for them. Secondly, he scares the complete crap out of me. I have seen him a few times over the years, and each time my legs turn to jelly, my palms go sweaty, my heart starts pounding, and I can't breathe. I want to run, but my legs betray me, basically I start having a panic attack. I do not want my children to see me like that, and I would rather go to Hell than see them hurt or upset. Hell, is probably where we will all end up if I don't do something soon though, the weight of it all is crushing at times. Baby steps are all I can manage at the moment, I do not want to mess this up. Sorry for messing up this thread with my crap, but Milton started it!! ;D
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Post by Izarith on Nov 30, 2008 3:37:02 GMT -5
Don't get mad.....GET EVEN!!! Show that troublesome Eevee what you can do, And for buda's sake don't wait till 2009!! Call your folks up tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning, catch them off guard, sleepy and totally disoriented. You can clobber me later once you feel guilty after hearing the worry in there voice for calling at such an odd hour. But what ever, whats one more Christmas at odds with the folks. Izzy, I will not be calling my parents at 3 a.m to play guess who, if there is one thing that I learned from my Dad, that is never, ever wake him up!! I do have a plan though, I am going to write them a letter explaining that I want nothing from them, all I want is to try to build some bridges, and tell them about my two children. I will put the letter inside a christmas card, together with two photos, one of my daughter, and one of my son. If my children can't melt 13 years of rock solid ice, then no one can. Thank You Izzy. Hello Eevee,
Now we're talking!! Great idea about your kids!! Just remember it's not going to pan out like you Imagen it will.....it never does. But always keep trying maybe your dad needs a little push.
I'm still chipping away at my mom. At times it has gotten real ugly but I always keep in mind that she is my mom and I must do what is right by her. At first she resented me, She saw nothing but my father in me. But now little by little She is letting her baggage go. She now even calls me stupid, useless and an idiot which to me is an honor and a sign of acceptance because thats what she has always called the rest of my brothers. ;D
You have a long road ahead of you Eevee. But if you don't walk that road you'll always be a woe is me victim. I used to consider myself a victim but now I'm forcing myself to grow up even if my parents never did.
And you know what being able to see my mother look at me with out shame and guilt hidden behind anger and distrust was well worth it.
I still think you should scare the crap out of them by calling them at 3:00am hahaha!! Oh, oh and make something up like your in jail LOL!! Just kidding Eevee. ;D
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Post by noface on Nov 30, 2008 3:51:27 GMT -5
Firstly, he has psychopathic tendencies, he has done some really terrible things, and seemingly showed no remorse for them. Hi Eevee, I know I seem to have a different opinion of things around here, but I don't think patching things up with your folks matters one damn. If your family are a bunch of psychos F---'em! Don't let them drag you down to their hell. Who knows why you were born to a situation like that. Maybe it was to have the balls to go your own way - to rise above that type of dysfunction. For example, if you have a brother that's a murderer and rapist, standing up for him because he's "family" is complete insanity. You should turn that asshole in. It doesn't matter if he's your brother. what matters is that you stop the insanity that he is promoting. The point is to stand for what you stand for, not your family members. What is important is that you make peace with your family internally, not externally. Forgive all, rise above the hate, etc. This is all done in your heart. If you are right on the inside the outside will take care of itself. It is not your concern. Screw those assholes. WHat's on their plate is none of your business. Make your life happy. Don't let those dysfunctional vampires drain you of your right to make a better life for yourself. Could I be wrong, of course. But that's what I think. Don't endanger yourself. It's an internal thing. When you die you don't take your family members with you, you take your internal state. Good luck.
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Post by Izarith on Nov 30, 2008 5:32:28 GMT -5
Firstly, he has psychopathic tendencies, he has done some really terrible things, and seemingly showed no remorse for them. Hi Eevee, I know I seem to have a different opinion of things around here, but I don't think patching things up with your folks matters one damn. If your family are a bunch of psychos F---'em! Don't let them drag you down to their hell. Who knows why you were born to a situation like that. Maybe it was to have the balls to go your own way - to rise above that type of dysfunction. For example, if you have a brother that's a murderer and rapist, standing up for him because he's "family" is complete insanity. You should turn that asshole in. It doesn't matter if he's your brother. what matters is that you stop the insanity that he is promoting. The point is to stand for what you stand for, not your family members. What is important is that you make peace with your family internally, not externally. Forgive all, rise above the hate, etc. This is all done in your heart. If you are right on the inside the outside will take care of itself. It is not your concern. Screw those assholes. WHat's on their plate is none of your business. Make your life happy. Don't let those dysfunctional vampires drain you of your right to make a better life for yourself. Could I be wrong, of course. But that's what I think. Don't endanger yourself. It's an internal thing. When you die you don't take your family members with you, you take your internal state. Good luck. Hello Noface, A gem even thrown in mud will keep it's value. But dust that rises to the heavens will remain worthless. Go hug your sister!!! Edit to add................ Eevee I did not know you felt like that. I can't even Imagen what you have been threw to feel like that. Your not going to hell Eevee. I don;t like the fact that you feel that the whole world is on your shoulders. I am sorry for my part in it. I'm just so sick and tired of how we all deal with each other I can't keep my mouth shut. I'm so tired of how this world acts that it is so easy for me to stand up to it. More so I can't help it I am almost forced to open my mouth, it's like a curse sometimes. My big mouth has gotten my ass kicked, damn near thrown in jail, lost countless jobs, one day I think I'm going to die by it. I hate this world sometimes I really do. I feel so caged by it. And it's when I feel the most helpless that the real me comes out. The real me knows what this world is, All illusions of law, order, governments, hospitals, Christians, Muslims, teachers, carpenters, men and women disappear And all that is left is a world of people hurting each other. I can't stand to see people hurt each other, Because the people who get hurt don't know that no one can be hurt them. I can't get hurt by bad people Eevee They are not the problem in my life. It people with potential that hurt me. Because they don't know that all they have to do is forgive, as long as you forgive no one can hurt you. None. Your father is an old man. An old angry bad man nothing more. Forgive him for that. And he will never hurt you again. Be happy in life Eevee. And Noface go hug your sister!!!
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Post by noface on Nov 30, 2008 7:47:49 GMT -5
Hello Noface, A gem even thrown in mud will keep it's value. But dust that rises to the heavens will remain worthless. Hi Izarith, I'm not sure how you mean this, can you explain it to me? It seems you are confusing the issue and think that I am somehow refering to my family, which I am not. I'm just getting tired of people telling another to go and do something with great enthusiasm when it is obviously a fairly intense situation. When those giving the advice don't really have any idea of what is involved in the actual situation, so I feel they are in no position to give any authoritative advice. It might be all innocent and naive on the part of all parties involved, but I think it is not always wise to just jump in the deep end of the pool with both feet. Especially when you don't even know if there is water in it. And also especially if there is no need to.
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Post by Izarith on Nov 30, 2008 7:53:48 GMT -5
Hello Noface, A gem even thrown in mud will keep it's value. But dust that rises to the heavens will remain worthless. Hi Izarith, I'm not sure how you mean this, can you explain it to me? It seems you are confusing the issue and think that I am somehow refering to my family, which I am not. I'm just getting tired of people telling another to go and do something with great enthusiasm when it is obviously a fairly intense situation. When those giving the advice don't really have any idea of what is involved in the actual situation, so I feel they are in no position to give any authoritative advice. It might be all innocent and naive on the part of all parties involved, but I think it is not always wise to just jump in the deep end of the pool with both feet. Especially when you don't even know if there is water in it. And also especially if there is no need to. Yea I know I missed Eevee's last post. Sorry about that. Now go hug your sister. Edit to add.... I forgot to explain what the thingy meant. What i meant by that is I think if your family is a pile of pooh you can still live among them and be a gem. But if your a pile of pooh too it really doesn't mater how far away you live from them. I in no way mean this against you, it's just how I feel about life. And about the sister thing like I said it's a curse. sorry I'll stop.
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Post by noface on Nov 30, 2008 8:44:53 GMT -5
What i meant by that is I think if your family is a pile of pooh you can still live among them and be a gem. But if your a pile of pooh too it really doesn't mater how far away you live from them. That's true. Hey, all's well that ends well. No problems. You gotta a laptop in that cab or what? ;D
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Post by Izarith on Nov 30, 2008 9:17:32 GMT -5
You gotta a laptop in that cab or what? ;D No lol I just can't sleep just yet. Hey about Tommy's info I wonder how far we could push the boundaries? Hey check this out....... And then look at what this guy does with a little practice!!
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Phedre
Junior Member
Posts: 65
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Post by Phedre on Nov 30, 2008 10:59:59 GMT -5
Hello Eevee, I must tell you that I agree with noface whole heartedly. This agreement comes from my own experiences, I have needed to make a lot of amends in my life. But amends made are really for myself, for my "baggage". I have no knowledge of what others are here for that is none of my business. For the most part those that I made my amends to didn't know what I was talking about, but it lightened my "load". But most where presented to me at the right time the right place for me to say to them I am sorry. And it did come from my heart and with no strings. I only need to apologize for my "part" other wise I would be saying I am sorry BUT you where such an as**h and amends just don't work well that way LOL! And some things are just better left alone. In my experience to make amends that might further injure the one I am trying to make amends to or to myself is pointless and just creates more baggage. For those that caused me a great deal of grief, I have to find a way to let go of them for my own salvation, the hate and resentment eat me, not them. And it is possible to rise above that, it is a lot of work all within myself, but it feels so good when I realize that I am no longer suffering, I am no longer the victim! I really don't want to live my life as a victim, that is not freedom. Some love their victim-hood they wear it like a medal and I don't want to live that way! I, like a lot of people here on this board have come from some crazy people that didn't or are not going to change. But it is up to me whether or not I drag them around like a huge chain holding me earthbound (yuk). Wow! Got carried away here. But it is my experience if you can get anything out of it(positive) please do! Phedre
Keep it Simple
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Post by willy42 on Nov 30, 2008 11:22:39 GMT -5
Hey Eevee, I in no way telling you what to do, it is obvious I do not know the whole story, hell I have no right to butt in, I was just giving my two cents. My kids on the other hand have found a way to break down barriers with those who would never talk to me again, so I was just thinking... True we have all had some fakked up experiences and people in our lives and I would never suggest to expose children to that ever. I know that family is important but not that important... Make sense? I won't go into my life but I have always told people that ask for advice(not saying that you did), that I can't help myself don't talk to me... However for the most part, with my friends I seem to give them the best of advice and it seems to help but when it comes to me it never quite pans out, for what that is worth I am not sure. I totally concur with Izzy when he said that he cannot abide to seeing people getting hurt, I have had a hard time living with that as well, migraines come when things like that happen around me. I have that control issue over things that I cannot control and that is one lesson I have to learn for myself. So I just wanted to apologize if I upset you in anyway, I know that my kids are my life and I never want to see them hurt, although knowing deep down there is nothing I can really do about that in the long run, as a parent you can only do what is best and hope the rest pans out. We never know what is around the corner.
-Willy42
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Post by grumble on Nov 30, 2008 13:46:08 GMT -5
I know I seem to have a different opinion of things around here, ... ... ... You are not the only one, noface. According to Eevee, "he has psychopathic tendencies, he has done some really terrible things, and seemingly showed no remorse." That is not the sort of monster I would ever trust around my children. Furthermore, Eevee, your getting over whatever they did to you does not require anything from them. It's all up to you, on your end of the situation, to make things better for yourself. To suggest that you approach them to "make things better" to me implies that you think you must gain their acceptance. Remember, gaining the acceptance of the abuser is not part of healing, it is a continuation of the abuse. Having said that, I don't really know you situation. I just know that the devil does not deserve the sympathy we give him.
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Post by vortices on Nov 30, 2008 14:57:37 GMT -5
*vortices hugs eevee*
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Post by Eevee on Nov 30, 2008 18:04:25 GMT -5
Hello All, I would just like to say that no one has upset, or offended me, no one is forcing me to do anything that I don't want to do. I am a very, very stubborn person, if I don't want to do something, then I won't do it. The very first question I asked Sleeper back on ATS about a year ago, was about hatred, and forgiveness regarding my Dad, so this is something that has been 'brewing' for a while. If I can create even just a tiny spark of hope, where currently there exists only darkness and misery, then surely that is the right thing to do? Things that happened in the past should remain in the past, it's time to move on and create a bright future. Thank You to everyone who has replied, I know you all mean well, and I appreciate your thoughts, love to you all!! This seems to be a very emotive subject, so I will try to say no more about it. Thanks V! *Eevee hugs V*
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